Parents Are Always Wrong

While at a restaurant the other day, I took my 3 year old son to the bathroom to make pee-pee. My son, as usual, refused to walk in a straight line by my side instead choosing a bizarre backwards waddle that he found much more entertaining. Until he waddled into a wall. Although he didn’t really hurt himself, my son is never one to miss out on an opportunity to create a scene for an audience. While hurriedly maneuvering my wailing progeny out the door I couldn’t help but notice the glares of disapproval aimed at me, Careless Mother, coming from the other diners. You could see their mouths moving in silent ‘tsk, tsks’ as they paused in their lunches to behold my poor obviously neglected child.

This mass disapproval is something all parents will have experienced at some time or another. Because if there’s one thing every man and his boozy childless bachelor friend knows, it’s the correct way other people’s children should be raised. Something that the actual parents of the children will never get right. Oh, we may buy up all the ‘Happy Healthy Toddler’ and ‘Teach Your Child With Love’ books but really, you can no more follow their instructions than those on a ‘self-assemble’ bunk bed. Or anything that comes with an allen key. It’s just not possible.

People who have not birthed your particular offspring, however, do not have this handicap. They may have been complete dunces with their own children, they may not have children at all, but either way, they are experts at yours. And they don’t mind letting you know it. “Oh” says the nice old lady, shaking her head in disapproval at my t-shirted daughter “She needs a sweater. She will get cold.” The “and will probably end up hospitalized with pneumonia” is left unspoken. It is in fact 25°C out but still, you can never be too careful. Or rather, a less irresponsible parent wouldn’t.

Of course, for the absolute apex of scrutiny and disapproval by strangers, a parent with small children need only take their kids to the local supermarket. Supermarkets are to kids what rave parties are to young adults. A chance to behave with wild abandon and ingest things not generally allowed. All children know instinctively that this is the place where parents are at their most vulnerable, that is – in public. This is the time to wail “I WANT A LOLLYPOP” or “NOT THAT ONE I WANT THE CHOCOLATE ONE” because really, what are mummy and daddy going to do about it?

If the parent has read up on their helpful parenting guides, he/she will calmly explain that although he/she understands that Timmy wants the chocolate bar, he/she can’t give it to Timmy because it is bad for him. To which Timmy will reply with a high-pitched squealing sure to have fellow shoppers covering their ears while their eyes shoot daggers in your direction. Another useful book suggestion involves removing the child from the supermarket. And let me tell you, nothing invites judgment like dragging a limp, screaming toddler, who may or may not be screeching “OW YOU’RE HURTING ME! STOP! OUCH OUCH OUCH!” down a supermarket aisle.

So you give in and buy the sugary lump with added sugar (‘contains artificial colours and flavours’), an act described by many experts as ‘the easy way out.’ Which it is. Which is exactly why you do it. Shame on you.